I remember my early twenties. My boss at the restaurant asked me this question: “Are leaders born or made?” I gave him the “wrong” answer, or at least not the answer he prompted. I told him “born”. He replied, “Wrong!” What he observed in me, at the time, I didn’t see in myself. I had the potential to be a restaurant shift manager.
The rest is history…and I spent the next twenty years learning how to be an effective leader. Making the best version of myself through grit and determination. By making millions of painful mistakes. And devouring books, videos, and listening to those with more experience. Every time I should have advanced to the next level I moved away. Changed cities or locations. And as I grew older became disgruntled with entrenched systems perpetuating limiting environments.
There is nothing wrong (in a manner of speaking) with the restaurant system. I love eating at restaurants. If I didn’t have so many food restrictions, I would love to be a food critic. The more accurate statement is—I would be a food cheerleader. Because I don’t particularly like the “critic” role. But some restaurant concepts gravitate toward young people. And management requires a special ingredient which I don’t love. You must be the constant ‘bad guy.’ And you must have the support of your boss to make the best decisions possible.
I arrived at middle age. Now, I would rather be a failed, broke entrepreneur. Instead of trying to fit my personality into a system I no longer agreed with. Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful every day for what it gave me and how it helped me become the person I am today. I’m also grateful for my parents, but I’m not going to live at their house for the rest of my life. It’s time to grow up.
I fell in love with the concept of leadership. And grew frustrated with the lack of positive, effective leadership. Not only in business but in the world. It seems humans have the bad habit of resting on their laurels. Sticking with what they know. Forgetting when they were a baby and knew nothing. Their experience, mind, perceived talents and gifts were ALL learned.
I recognized this handicap developing in myself during my thirties. I would start to believe the fallacy I was “smart” and “great” at my job. But, in time I faced reality. That’s because my mom had instilled in me at a young age to embrace humility.
Humility is a beautiful quality to cultivate and becoming rarer in our world. The human mind has narrow focus and creating a social norm of narcissism is a dangerous road. Selflessness made humanity successful. Should we abandon humility without conscious choice? That may CAUSE more problems than it solves.
Due to grim fortune, reality slapped me in the face many times. It reminded me that my perceived “successes” in life came from hard work and learning. Allowing myself to stop learning and imagining I was ‘there’ stunted my growth. It sent me backwards.
I course corrected and continued to move forward. A combination of the learning habit instilled in me as a child. This combined with applying new concepts I learned. And the more I grew, the more frustrated I became with my environment. We are social creatures. Jim Rohn says we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. Malcolm Gladwell taught us the power of context.
Our mind and heart might believe we are a certain person. But our behavior is often dictated by our environment. We are quiet at a movie. We are loud at a party. We know this instinctively. But we forget how important it is to take conscious control of choosing our environment.
A sober alcoholic would never dream of hanging out in a bar all day. Why? Because they might drink and do something dangerous or regretful. Yet, that same person would behave fine at home. Sipping tea with a spouse talking about their children’s school. Same person, different behavior. Yet don’t we all judge others based on behavior? If that person was drunk at a bar, claiming to be “good”, yet we observed them tripping over a stool….
So often we tell ourselves we’re “good” yet don’t acknowledge that our behavior is a result of our environment. Not an inner saint that remains constant, regardless of environment.
So. I learned more about leadership and emotional health. And then wonder why I disliked myself so much. It was because of my toxic (for me) environment. Like a sober alcoholic fighting the urge to drink in a bar. I tried to remain Zen. Struggling in a hot kitchen, within a stressful environment. Filled with dysfunctional employees and narcissistic customers. Not to mention incompetence and mismanaged finances and personnel.
I would arrive at work with a positive attitude and soon my environment would suck the energy out of my soul. I was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. No matter how smart I thought I was, the environment was what it was. Unless you’re Martin Luther King Jr. resurrected. I don’t believe even the most gifted orator could walk into a saloon, pull out a Bible, and turn it into a Church. The people in the bar are there to drink alcohol—not discuss spirituality.
The environment matters. We all know this. Yet, we fool ourselves, overlooking our intentionality. Believing that our “personality” trumps. And we can somehow change our environment to conform to our personal values. It’s not true. Our behavior becomes a simple mathematical formula. It reacts to our environment.
So, now that I’ve focused your mind on this concept, let me ask you this question again. Are you sure you’re not a leader? There exist many reasons why you don’t recognize this potential in yourself. I was so fortunate. I had a good boss who later became my good friend. He wasn’t ego driven. He was a giver. And he saw my potential and facilitated my growth. With a spirit of generosity, he shared everything he had learned.
If he hadn’t become my boss, what path would I be on today? My previous boss threatened me with constant verbal abuse. He made himself feel better by demeaning those around him. That person would have never encouraged me to lead, let alone set a good example for how to become one. I’m thankful to this day for my good boss’s encouragement. At that time I hadn’t yet developed my ability to encourage myself.
There’s a strong chance you may not have yet achieved such self-awareness. It may even be the thought of such responsibility fills you with fear. I know when I was younger, fear of failure gripped me. What if I fail my bosses? What if I fail my crew? What if I make a mistake and hurt the people looking up to me? Then I will have caused them pain. Then I will be the same as the people who’ve hurt me in the past. Fear, fear, fear. I believed in a false cheat. That I could live life and only help those around me and never cause them pain.
For you, it may be something else. Too many egotistical leaders give you a bad taste in your mouth. Seems like hard work. You don’t have the “look”. The “personality”. You’re shy. You hate crowds or prefer being alone. Check out Susan Cain, she’s an inspiration to introverts everywhere.
Fill in the blank. So, there’s a mental block or limiting belief surrounding your leader qualification. Let’s move on to the next point. Why you should strive for this goal.
In ancient Greece, every man trained to be a soldier. This may seem strange to modern Western civilization. Let’s take the U.S. because that’s where I currently live. Only about half a percent of the population is in the military. And yet it boasts the most powerful military in the world.
Amazing. In 2500 years, the world has become a different place. 99.5% of the U.S. population doesn’t have to train to serve as a soldier. “There has been more material progress in the U.S. in the 20th century than there was in the entire world in all the previous centuries combined.”
So, this idea that the U.S. can’t be a population of leaders is a limiting belief. If you feel like there is no need or room in this world for your leadership than please allow me to enlighten you. I’m not saying we could all be Alexander the Great. Nor should we strive for such a goal. But we could be Alexander the Writer, or Alexander the Teacher or Alexander the Blogger. Each one of us has access to more knowledge in our pocket than any human society in the past. We inhabit the Information Age.
But, like Spiderman taught us, with great power comes great responsibility.
There are problems. Homelessness. Lack of clean drinking water. Poverty. Unemployment. Lack of education. Government corruption. Inequality. Climate change.
Those are a few of the big ones. I’m not trying to guilt you into becoming a leader. Far from it, that’s the worst reason to do anything worthwhile. I’m providing perspective. We could become a nation of leaders in the similar way we’ve led with so many other innovations. The only thing holding you back is the gap in what you’ve learned.
