Yesterday I listened to the Tim Ferris podcast. He discussed the line between a gift and disfunction. Sometimes the moments in our lives that create the biggest scars can lead to our greatest gifts. This doesn’t mean we should embrace trauma or walk on hot coals to open secret pathways. But this is a good reminder to pay attention to how we frame stories.
When I was younger, I became addicted to the fairy tale concept of romantic love. It wasn’t until I started learning new tools about my emotional map. Then I realized something important. I had internalized the thousands of movies, TV shows, and fiction books framework of love. Yet, none of that was reality. They were stories. Humans love stories, we’re wired for that concept. They are deceptive and powerful. With insidious cleverness they seep into our psyches. And they create unrealistic expectations.
Let’s take one tiny story. The PILL. We obsess over the idea that one pill can solve our problems. I’m sure we’ve all seen the commercials with a new pill that solves one problem. Yet they come with side effects and potential risks that take half the commercial to list. The ridiculous tradeoff is right there in our face. Yet, this idea, this story repeats and gets retold a million times. A new magic pill will solve that one pain point and it means everything.
Pills are a trillion-dollar business. Why? Because humans believe the story. Now, one disclaimer before I upset anyone. For the most part modern medicine is a beautiful solution to many problems. There’s no helpful framework for black and white thinking. There are plenty of pills that DO save lives. But, like TV shows, you must be selective.
The point is the seductive power of the story. It’s the underlying mechanism that creates this level of security in our minds. That’s why the placebo and nocebo effect are so powerful. (Although scientists don’t understand the process completely). They don’t deny the real physical effects it creates. That’s partly because of the power of story. First our minds BELIEVE something to be true. Then our brain creates the chemical processes to match our BELIEF.
This story about the magic pill reminds me of Jack and the magic beans. I’m sure there’s many ways to interpret this story. But this desire to get a large reward for minimal effort is the human mind shortcut. Life can be tragic, hard and full of unexpected trials. But, if we get lucky, we’ll find our magic beans. The reason this story is so alluring is that it’s based on truth. Some people DO win the lottery. Some people DO become rich and famous overnight. Some people trip over a bag of magic beans and it changes their lives forever.
The internet has changed the speed of story. The power of one story can reach billions of people within minutes. This is a new phenomenon. We must remain cautious and vigilant, recognizing how these stories affect our emotions.
Let’s go back to this concept of romantic love. Love at first sight. Soulmates. Destiny. The one. Love stories move us at the central core of our being. The sex drive is the most powerful driver in our biological mechanisms for a reason. To keep the species alive. There’s a reason that humans find it a most pleasurable experience. Can’t have a generation of humans dying off. Need more babies.
But we aren’t content with walking into a field and eating leaves and roots, are we? No, we like to cook and prepare and eat tasty food. Why? Especially since it’s only necessary to consume calories and nutrients. We could all survive on three gray shakes and a bowl of leaves to keep our teeth strong. But NO. We pay top dollar to have all sorts of interesting stories around food. We want it to taste good. We want it prepared in an interesting way. We want to eat it in an interesting environment. And we want to share it with people we care about. It becomes a story. While we’re experiencing it, and even more satisfying when we’re retelling it.
That’s why we love the story of romantic love. We don’t procreate out of duty. That’s so unsatisfying. We need lots of stories surrounding mating, falling in love, and building family. When each day is the same as before, novelty lost, that’s when the players get bored. The story needs to change and become interesting for the mind to stay engaged.
It’s ironic that Hollywood is full of actors who perpetuate this story of romantic love. Most display a much different reality. We celebrate the rare couples in Hollywood that stay together for decades. You would assume millionaires would find their soulmates. And have the resources to set up their coupling for success. Yet, often, the story told is the opposite. Fame and fortune can cause partners to deal with unique challenges. Problems only a minority of humans must contend with.
When I was a child, the only map I learned about romantic love came from fictional stories. It wasn’t until after my divorce that I learned something important. My obsession with unrealistic romantic Hollywood love was a fantastic LIE. Out loud I would laugh it off. Yeah, yeah, I would laugh off the notion of Hollywood love. But inside, the secret obsessive self, I would believe I could defy the odds. You watch world, I will find my soulmate and live happily ever after. Come on. Shrek found Fiona! I’ve been looking in the wrong SWAMP.
Why did it take a divorce to make me wake up from the delusion of the happily ever after?
Because of our story wiring. And the world scares our anxious minds. If we could discern all the chaos and randomness. If we understood our illusion of safety. How it comes stitched together with papier-Mache and mud. We would fall into the fetal position and cry. We need the stories. We need the comfort that we have control. We need the BELIEFS that this world isn’t out of control.
The key is, to update our stories.
Age, wisdom, experience…these will update our stories through time. But interrupting the automatic processes is important. This can speed up our perceptions and frame of reference. I spent years searching for my soulmate. I found her. I married her. She divorced me. That forced me to update my story. Soulmates don’t get divorced, critical 404 error.
Many of us must update the inconsistencies in our current story by tragedy. When I was in High School, I viewed Romeo and Juliet as the ultimate love story. The epitome of romance. To die for your one and only soulmate. Now? I view the story through Shakespeare’s dark sense of humor and irony. Communicating: Ha! Look how naive we are.
Now, you might believe I’m being bitter. Another typical single guy who’s burnt and angry. Mad at the world, blaming it for his failings. Nope. I moved on in a hundred ways that would take novels to explain. My new story is much more satisfying. It’s much more than the simple tale of two people stumbling into each other under fireworks.
My new story contains concepts I would have cringed at years ago. Removing toxic SHAME and GUILT. Shedding CODEPENDENT thinking. Having a GROWTH MINDSET. Removing LIMITING BELIEFS. Utilizing CREATIVE VISUALAZATION. Taking each day one at a time. Structuring my day around my COGNITIVE energy. Shedding addictive patterns and habits with progressive extremism. Prioritizing my physical health to maximize emotional performance. Choosing my associates via wisdom. Remove victimized thinking. Replace pessimism with optimism.
The list continues. If any of those are new concepts, stick around. I have a strong desire to help you learn.
Now, you might be wondering something. Why do I compare unrealistic Hollywood love with growing your Emotional Health? It’s simple. Love is the most powerful concept in our emotional makeup. That’s why we go back to love stories again and again. It serves the foundation of our emotional health. Love comforts our fear. Love is appreciation. Our brain chemistry comes wired with the story of love. Anything that triggers our feeling of love is addictive. Like a glass of wine might make you forget your problems for a moment, love makes you forget your pain too.
We must be cautious. Our brain loves taking short cuts. We can absorb as true, stories that don’t help us. And unless we understand how to unravel these, we can stay stuck.
So, the story I told myself after my divorce kept me stuck. Once I unraveled the fallacies in my Hollywood love belief system, I found a greater joy. Now, my heart is open with greater truth. Unconditional love swims in my heart. The light is so much brighter. The concepts I embrace make Hollywood love pale in comparison. I have so much appreciation for my divorce now. Not because pain is the wisest choice. But, because pain and mistakes, failures and missteps are our greatest teachers. It’s the dance our mind maneuvers. Avoid pain. But, when you do experience pain, accept it. Download that experience immediately into your long-term memory. And never forget it.
I used to be afraid of mistakes. Perfectionists learn at an early age to avoid mistakes. Because the pain caused by it can be traumatic. But even though mistakes are painful, they are also a treasure trove of valuable insight. I no longer harness verbal abuse. I no longer use degrading thoughts for hours, days, weeks, months or even years after I fail. Now, I stand up, dust off my clothes and move on. One of my favorite mantras is Fail Forward Fast. For me, it means this: Expect failure. All humans fail to meet their expectations daily. Learn from the mistake and use the new insight to take a new direction forward. Don’t waste time wallowing in the failure. The faster you get up from your misstep, the sooner you can arrive at your next learning failure.
So. Here’s a new story for you. It’s a little bit wiser than the story of Hollywood love. It’s a bit more reliable than the one magic pill to solve all your problems. And it is much kinder than the idea that divorcing your soulmate means your life is over.
All the concepts that we hold dear enter our mind through stories. This is how we integrate the world. We then repeat these familiar stories inside. And it triggers our emotional responses to our environment. What is the story we tell ourselves about failure? That we’re somehow deficient in anyway because we failed? Then we’re choosing to tell ourselves the wrong story. Who of us, when a friend comes to cry on our shoulder says, “Well, everything you’re crying about is your fault”? Yeah, no. We would NEVER.
Yet why do we tell ourselves that story?
You don’t have to psychoanalyze why you integrated that story when you were four years old. You must interrupt the incorrect story. Cry a bit like the end of a sad movie. And tell yourself a new story: “I’m human. I make mistakes like everyone else. And that’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.”
You’ll have to repeat it until your mind believes it. Remember, you’ve told yourself the old story every day for many years. To build the new story, you must commit to it for a while before your mind accepts the new version.
Once you’ve accomplished that you’ll start to realize if you can change one story, you can change as many as you want.
And then you’ll begin to see how a person’s DARKEST hour can become their GREATEST power.